A Sarcastic Appetite

And on the Second Blogiversary, an Interview with the Ninja
March 27, 2011, 10:59 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

A Sarcastic Appetite turns two today! If I’d been more organized, I’d have baked myself a cake. But then I got to thinking: this blog really exists because of my brother, the Nutritional Ninja, who came home that fateful day when we first moved in together (ew, that makes it sound like we’re dating) and demanded to know what I was making for dinner. The rest, as they say, is history.

So I decided to sit down with the Ninja for a little interview, and I’m pretty sure the result is better than any cake I could bake. Enjoy.

Ninja, were you aware of how integral a role you played in the creation of this blog?

Uhhh…..is this on the record? Well, I don’t want to be responsible for the creation of something as dumb as blogging.

Honestly, if you weren’t around I would probably have subsisted on a diet of cheese, crackers, and wine for the last four years.

That sounds terrible.

A lot of the posts I do revolve around your dietary demands. Tell me a little about how your thinking on food has evolved in the last two years.

Well, I do love food, but I want to eat in the healthiest manner possible for athletic performance as well as overall well-being. But, let’s face it, I do love desserts, and I like to get crazy once in awhile – get ill on sugar, basically.

You kind of have a love-hate relationship with this blog. Elaborate.

I do have a love-hate relationship with the blog! I love the food that is usually made – write that, write “usually” – but when we’re watching House Hunters together, and you’re not paying attention to what’s happening on House Hunters, that pisses me off. It’s like you don’t even care about House Hunters anymore!

Also, write this: you spend 8 hours a day at work on the computer, and I don’t understand why you come home and spend another 2 hours staring at the computer and you’re not even getting paid for it. Hold on, I have to get some water.

Is there anything else you want to add?

No, do you have any more freestyle questions?

Hmm, let me think about that.

Ask me more questions. You’re not really doing anything. For all that typing, you didn’t do much. I read your blog the other day, the one about rosemary lamb chops, it was the most boring thing I’d ever read! You don’t think I read your blog? I read it every once in awhile! I have to make sure you’re not writing any weird stuff about me.
Ok, fine. Tell me more about your informational sources for these newfangled diets and supplements and whatever else you try. Was that lady who sold you the $12 honey one of them?

I’m just trying to support local people! It’s called sustainability, duh. Your honey comes from California, mine came from 86th St. My sources are blogs, other trainers, crazier trainers than me, and stuff like the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times if they ever write good stuff about it.

I just feel like, two years ago we were double fisting Double Stuf Oreos, and now it’s different.

I just ate an eclair! Also, last night after dinner, after eating a salad, scallops, an enormous pork chop, TWO desserts, a chocolate one and a caramel souffle, I thought it would be a good idea to get Easter candy at Duane Reade at 1 o’clock in the morning. Malted whopper eggs and Reese’s peanut butter eggs.

That sounds pretty gross. That makes my wine and crackers thing sound healthy.

Well I worked out twice yesterday, so kiss my butt. Also, write this down – you’re acting like I’m some kind of anorexic, like my food issues are so severe that I shovel a jar of Jif into my mouth with a shovel and then go throw it up into a Rubbermaid thing that I keep in my closet.

Now this is really gross.

I don’t have food issues! When have I ever not eaten anything that you make?

Because I only make things that I know you won’t eat, like vegetarian things, when you’re not here!

You’re your harshest critic. If I’m hungry, I’m going to eat it, 9 times out of 10. The only thing that bothers me a lot is when you make baked goods, you always like chocolate stuff, and that bothers me. You lean towards chocolate stuff and I lean towards delicious vanilla cake with chocolate frosting – it’s more respectable.

Also, I went to a vegetarian restaurant once, when I walked out, I saw Tobey Maguire holding a baby. I think that’s a sign.

What did you eat at the vegetarian restaurant, and what’s that a sign of?

I ate tempeh, and I think it’s a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Wait a minute. You ate tempeh?

Yes, I know, it’s soy. But I prefer to eat meat products at night! We’re carnivores, we have sharp teeth! We’re not meant to be vegetarians!

You’ve also talked a lot about the Paleolithic Diet, the so-called “Caveman Diet.” Do you think it’s because you are a caveman?

No, it’s because humans are lazy now, and cavemen lived more pure lives. Food, sex, and naps! Who doesn’t like that? I mean, there’s evidence that they cooked food, and they cooked grains, and they cooked meat.

All of this points to you cooking more. If you’re going to be a real caveman, you’re going to have to cook.

Well, considering how the last few weeks worked out, it’d probably just fine. You haven’t been cooking at all, and now I am on a first name basis with all the prepared food places in our neighborhood. I am a neighborhood celebrity.

That is the scariest thing I have heard all day.

I am! I don’t think you’re thinking very hard about these questions Write that down. If you were judged on your freestyle ability, I think you’d get an epic fail. You know what? I have some questions about your blog. Why didn’t you make a cake and hand out party hats and tooters ,what are those things called, and you toot in them, and they unfurl, and make a noise? Streamers?

I know what you’re talking about, but I don’t know what they’re called.

Are we crazy? We don’t know what they’re called? Apparently we both have Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Why didn’t you have a big party and invite all your readers? Also, not at a sports bar, but at like a classy establishment, maybe our house. Or Jeremy’s Place.

Well, first of all, I forgot to make a cake. But also–

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m asking the questions. ‘Oh, I forgot to make x y and z. I’ll make it tomorrow.’ But then do you? The answer is NO. You did today, but it’s unlikely this will happen again in the future. Also, why don’t you have a Facebook group?

I haven’t made it, I’ve been very busy.

Have you ever thought about writing a cookbook? Surely you could reach more American households in print, because contrary to popular belief, print is not dead.

But everyone and their dog has a blog and then gets a cookbook. Mine would have to be different.

Maybe you could make it “cooking for my brother,” and I’ll pretend to be disabled, and it’ll be about cooking all the specialty foods for me, and we’ll lie and get a bunch of money and use it to buy more Easter candy. That’s pretty good, right?

This just got weird. Also, for someone who hates the blog as much as you do, you’ve sure got a lot of ideas about how to make it grow.

Well, I want it to be good, and then maybe you could get paid for it. If you did have an anniversary party, what would you serve?

Champagne, and so much chocolate-chocolate cake.

That’s ok, I approve. I can get behind chocolate-chocolate cake. And some kind of cured meats I feel would be good. Like speck and prosciutto. I feel like prosciutto and chocolate would go hand in hand. Also, what will you do for the third anniversary, because you know we’ll still be living together?

That’s too depressing for me to answer.

What are you making tomorrow night for dinner?

I don’t know. You never make any requests, and that makes it difficult sometimes.

Well I don’t want to be demanding, so I never ask anything. That’s why I always say, “Make whatever you want!” I want it to be, like, you’re in total control of the food, so then you’ll want to make food more often, rather than me having total control and making you like a cooking Cinderella.

That sounds weird.

Why? Then I would be the evil stepmother! I also like looking in mirrors, so it could work.

You’re thinking of Snow White’s evil stepmother. Look, I think all this points to getting you in the kitchen more often this year.

Why! I don’t want to cook!

No, for your mishaps. For when it goes horribly awry. It’s funny.

My culinary bumbling is not for other people’s viewing pleasure!

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[…] might remember he mentioned in the Blogiversary post that he’s now on a first-name basis with all the “prepared food places” in our […]

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