A Sarcastic Appetite


In the Kitchen with the Ninja
July 7, 2010, 7:25 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I sauntered home one recent evening, after meeting a friend for drinks, to find the apartment smelling…interesting. Lo and behold, the Nutritional Ninja had cooked dinner for himself!

He gestured excitedly at the most recent issue of Bon Appétit and exclaimed something about peaches before revealing that, in fact, it didn’t taste very good. I thought the above photograph (his handiwork) said otherwise, so I decided to sit down with the Ninja and let him explain his recent adventure in the kitchen. The original recipe for “Grilled Chicken and Peaches with Chipotle-Peach Dressing” is here, though proceed at your own risk. Our conversation has been edited somewhat; the Ninja’s quite a talker.

So. You decided to cook something out of Bon Appétit. A little adventurous, perhaps? Explain yourself.

Well, it looked simple, and it said the cooking time was 30 minutes and I figured I could handle it….

Was it actually 30 minutes?

Uh, I don’t think so.

Were you thinking of that song by The Presidents of the United States of America?

Uh, no. I was thinking that this sounded like a delightful Southwestern little medley and all I needed were peaches, chiles, chicken, and 30 minutes. I was mistaken.

The recipe only calls for 9 ingredients, one of which is non-stick cooking spray. How did things go so horribly awry?

Do we even have non-stick cooking spray? [Ed. note: Um, yeah, we do.] I just figured olive oil would be ok. So I just started sauteeing the chicken, I combined all the ingredients, but then realized I had the wrong chiles. Also, later, when you make the sauce, you’re supposed to separate it into 2 bowls: one for basting the chicken and one for the actual sauce. I just basted from one bowl of sauce, which I think was a bad idea. [Ed. note: Wow.] But I didn’t die, so it’s ok.

Did you eat it anyway?

Of course! I had to! I slaved over this thing! But on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best thing I’ve ever had, it was maybe a 3.5.

Did you have to bribe yourself to eat it?

No way! I even ate the leftovers the next morning for breakfast! [Ed. note: Ew.] The chicken was pretty good when I put a lot of ranch dressing on top. What!? It’s Southwestern! The peaches, though, were disgusting.

This is grossing me out. Let’s talk about the photography – it looks good and kind of fooled me. Ever consider a career change?

I mean, I did go to art school…

Point taken. So now that you’re all up in my kitchen flexing your culinary muscle(s), what’s next? You cooking dinner tomorrow night or what?

Well, when you left me alone last weekend, I made lamb steaks, roasted beets, roasted figs, and spinach salad with yellow tomatoes. I even made my own dressing.

Wait, wait, wait, write this down. I want this to be known. Look, I don’t want to cook my own dinner. I like it when you cook dinner. But I figure I better learn how to start cooking. Also, I cook more organic food than you do, and I’m healthier than you are.

Now you’re just being annoying.

Whatever! Plus, all these sauces take a lot of time, and I don’t have time for that BS! So I just put dressing on it and call it a day. I mean, you could put ranch dressing on dog food and it would probably taste pretty good.

And there we have the number one reason why I’m the one in front of the stove. Stay tuned for the next installment of “In the Kitchen with the Ninja.”

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